


something after all

by extasiswings



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Buck just needs a hug and some reassurance, Episode Tag: 3x16, Gen, Insecurity, M/M, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:08:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23886472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extasiswings/pseuds/extasiswings
Summary: "You never had kids?”"Never had time."And Buck thought about Christopher.  Thought about video games and gingerbread houses and skateboards and he realized—None of that is real.  Not really.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), pre-Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 46
Kudos: 617





	something after all

**Author's Note:**

> So I really didn't think I could cry more than I did at 3x15, but then tonight's episode hit me like a train. I have...Feelings.

_This is stupid_ , Buck thinks, even as he gets out of the car. Technically, he has a standing invitation, Eddie’s said before that he’s welcome, but—

He still usually waits to be asked. Just in case he really isn’t.

Because he doesn’t expect to be.

It caught him by surprise at the bar.

_"You never had kids?”_

_"Never had time."_

And Buck thought about Christopher. Thought about video games and gingerbread houses and skateboards and he realized—

None of that is real. Not really. He’s wanted a kid so badly, wanted someone to take care of so badly, wanted to be _needed_ so badly…he forgot the reality for a moment.

That he’s not Christopher’s dad. He’s not Eddie’s…anything. They could move away and vanish from his life completely, leaving him to try and frantically fill the gaping hole left behind.

He fucked up.

He got attached. Attached to being a parent, attached to the 118, attached to Eddie. 

Eddie…who is beautiful and good and…never going to love him back. 

_”You’re not going to be alone, Buck.”_

_”That won’t happen to us.”_

Buck locks the door and exhales shakily, rubbing a hand over his face. He should have called. Should have texted. Should have made absolutely sure—

_“It’s Eddie’s house. I’m not really a guest.”_

Yeah…right.

He could still leave. He glances at the door and considers it, but—hell, he’s already in this, he might as well just stay committed.

“Buck. Hey,” Eddie greets when the door swings open. “I didn’t realize you were coming over.”

“Well, it’s Sunday morning. Didn’t think I could pass up pancakes with the Diaz family,” Buck replies, forcing a smile.

_Please be okay, please be okay, please—_

“Standing invitation, you’re welcome to ‘em.” Eddie steps aside to let Buck through the door. “Of course, you’re not allowed to help Chris make fun of me if they’re burned.”

“Now that just sounds like a cry for help.”

“Well…”

Buck bites his cheek so he won’t cry when Christopher hugs him hello. Out of the corner of his eye, he catches Eddie watching him.

“Hey, Christopher, buddy, why don’t you get settled on the couch while Buck and I finish making the pancakes, okay?” Eddie suggests.

“Okay, daddy.”

“He died.” Eddie says quietly when they get to the kitchen, safely out of earshot. “Didn’t he.”

Buck looks away, feeling like something is stuck in his throat. He manages a single nod.

“I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t even know him,” Buck says. “I’m just…some random guy he met at a bar a week ago.”

“Hey. Look at me.” Eddie grips his shoulder and squeezes gently. “You have a good heart. A real damn big one. You care about people and you cared about him and I can guarantee he knew that. You weren’t some random guy—you mattered.”

“You know, Eddie, I—I really love—” _Fuck_. Buck bites his tongue. “—being here. With Christopher.”

Eddie tips his head, curiosity and concern mixing in his gaze. It takes a moment, but then he blinks, understanding flooding in.

“Wait, Buck—you don’t think—you don’t you’re like him, do you? You don’t actually think you’re—”

_Alone._

It was easier with Maddie. Maddie already knew everything, she knows what their parents were like, what his past was like—she knows how Buck feels with him hardly even needing to say it. And that’s okay, because she’s his sister and she loves him and she doesn’t judge him for that. But Eddie—

Buck shrugs and rubs at the back of his neck, glancing away. Everything in him is screaming to step away, because it’s too much, _he’s_ too much, he knows he is, and Eddie is going to figure that out and drop him in an instant because Eddie has plenty else to worry about and—

“Hey.” Eddie’s voice snaps, but it’s not harsh, not rough, just commanding attention. Buck looks up again. “You’re not—Christ, Buck. I don’t do this with just anyone, you know. Let people into my life, into Christopher’s life. “

Buck squirms under the attention. “I know that.”

“Do you?” Eddie asks. “Because—Buck, you’re family. I don’t know how else to say that. Maybe that’s too much, I don’t know, but it’s—it’s the truth. The other night, on that roof, you—”

He finally lets go of Buck’s shoulder in favor of raking a hand through his hair. Buck’s stomach twists as he watches the strands fall back in place.

“I, what?” 

Eddie shakes his head, his jaw tightening as he fixes his gaze on the edge of the counter. 

“I left you on that line,” Eddie replies. “And I know I had to, but I saw it catch those flames when I hit the other roof and all I could think about was—”

_Oh._

Buck’s throat feels oddly dry, his voice rasping when he makes himself speak. “Yeah. I, uh, I’m familiar with the feeling. From the well.”

“I meant it, you know,” Eddie adds, looking back at him. “When I said you could join me at the sleepover. I just didn’t want you to feel obligated. You already do so much for us—I don’t want to take advantage.”

And oh, but Buck’s always been a damn fool in love. Even when it hurts.

“You should. Take advantage.” 

Eddie raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Buck swallows. A damn fool, indeed. “Yeah.”

Something flickers in Eddie’s eyes, but it vanishes too quickly for Buck to decipher it. Eddie clears his throat and walks over to the stove, flicking on the dials and setting a pan down. 

“Well, in that case, I guess the first order of business is making sure I don’t burn these pancakes.”

Buck steps in and bumps Eddie aside with his hip, taking over.

“I’ve got this. Go ask Chris if he wants chocolate chips or whipped cream.”

Eddie laughs. “Okay, but that means you have to stay after breakfast because there is no way I’m dealing with the resulting sugar high later.”

“Deal.”

Buck listens for the footsteps to vanish, but Eddie stops in the kitchen doorway. For some reason, Buck’s breath catches at the pause.

“Eddie?”

Eddie glances back over his shoulder, his face serious.

“You know we’re not—I’m not—going anywhere, okay?” He says quietly. “Only way I’m leaving is in a body bag. You get that, right?”

Buck’s heart twists in his chest.

“Yeah,” he chokes out. “Yeah, okay.”

He watches Eddie leave, replaying that look, replaying the words.

Maybe…maybe, he’s not a fool after all.


End file.
